INS jokes
What is red and tan and spins for about 50 mph?
A baby in a blender.
Today I was asked to go out by 17 women. Well, I was in the women's bathroom. 💀
Why do self-harmers "draw" on their arms?
Because everything they do is in vein.
Punchline: "Vain" sounds similar to "Vein".
What's the worst thing to star in?
An amber alert.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Insomnia.
You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...
Chuck Norris can make 5 minute frosting in 4 minutes.
Why are there no Olympics in Mexico?
Because everyone from Mexico that can run, jump, and swim is already over the border.
So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.
Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only Juan.
When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."
What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?
I don't care if she has either.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...
"Lazy."
Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?
Why do they make glow-in-the-dark condoms?
So gay people can play Star Wars.
What do the movies The 6th Sense and Titanic have in common?
Icy dead people.
I'm jealous of your heart because it's pumping in you and I'm not.
My favorite toast for parties:
May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.
I was beefing with a dude in a wheelchair, so I took his wheelchair and threw it across the street and told him, "Walk it off, you will be fine."
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"