INS jokes
Like this if you are in elementary, middle school, or high school.
What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?
The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.
Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."
What gang was Stephen Hawking in? The Crips.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
In chess, why does the queen have more mobility than the king?
Because the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor.
Why do self-harmers "draw" on their arms?
Because everything they do is in vein.
Punchline: "Vain" sounds similar to "Vein".
What's the worst thing to star in?
An amber alert.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Insomnia.
You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...
Today I was asked to go out by 17 women. Well, I was in the women's bathroom. 💀
Chuck Norris can make 5 minute frosting in 4 minutes.
Chuck Norris once said that he didn't like the plane he was riding in. Out of sadness, the plane committed suicide. How, you ask? Ask the Twin Towers.
So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.
Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.
When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only Juan.
What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?
I don't care if she has either.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...
"Lazy."