INS jokes

Why did Mary have a little lamb? Because a big one was too much in bed.

Why do animals in polar regions have thick fur? Because they don't have a barber! 🤣 🤣 🤣

What do lesbians and turtles have in common? They both choke on plastic.

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...

Children in the dark make mistakes.

Mistakes in the dark make children.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

What does a bicycle and Jade Goody have in common?

They can't reach 30.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at school? Put another one in and continue!

How many hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, cause they'll screw anything.

Me: I look up to you.

Friend: Wow, thanks!

Me: But in general cuz your so tall.

Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

Because you can't have medicine on an empty stomach.

Yo mama so ugly, Itachi couldn't look at her to put her in a genjutsu.

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

This girl came to me and said, "I got raped in my sleep!"

I replied, "I done it as a joke."

-April 1, 2020