INS jokes

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...

The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

Children in the dark make mistakes.

Mistakes in the dark make children.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at school? Put another one in and continue!

What does a bicycle and Jade Goody have in common?

They can't reach 30.

What do you call a group of black people in a shed?

Antique farm equipment.

Roses are red, eggs come in a dozen, do I need to revive Hitler to teach you how to use a goddamn oven?

When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."

How can you surprise someone who is blind?

Leave a plunger in the toilet.

What has four legs and one arm?

A Rottweiler in a children’s playground.

Today in class, I screamed "Jenga!"

We were watching a 9/11 documentary.

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

I pushed the kid in the wheelchair down the hill, but before I did, I set his wheels on fire and called him "hot wheels."

Me: I found a group of furries in the woods.

Voice in back: Well, it looks like we're going huntin'.

I can explain Superman and Batman movies in one sentence.

Two orphans fighting in the rain.

What do Drake and math have in common? They’re both hard for kids.

They say that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body. Wanna fight? 👅💦

Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.

Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.

In our lab, theory and practice are combined: Nothing works and no one knows why.