INS jokes
The best joke in the world is me.
Don't say that you're not a joke. Jokes have meanings.
My sister beat me in a race. She gave me a raspberry. I was bitter.
I wrote puns on a piece of paper like this:
P. P. P. P. U. U. U. U. N. N. N. N. S. S. S. S.
Then I showed them to my teacher, asking him what they had in common.
“They are all very tearable,” he replied.
Well, there is one person who gets it!
In a proud, boastful voice, Gemma told the old Chinese woman who was babysitting her that onions were the only food that could make you cry. The woman nodded and said that was true enough.
They continued eating for a while. "This is really good!" the little girl exclaimed. "What's this meat?"
The old lady replied with: "Well, there was a brown dog in your yard that wouldn't stop yapping."
Man 1: I-I ran my mom over to get a stupid book.
Man 2: Aww, books aren't that bad. I'm sure she thinks you're a great son considering she can't drive anymore.
Man 1: She was in the road, and I was rushing to get the last copy of this book. She can't drive or do anything anymore.
I wish the grass in my back lawn was emo, because then it would cut itself.
Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I pushed a disabled kid in a fire, then called him "hot wheels."
My wife left me yesterday.
I haven't talked to the kids in a year.
Roses are red, That's a tin can, You have no home, So get in the van!
Who are the fastest readers in the world? New Yorkers. They went through 110 stories in under 10 seconds.
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To check in on his flat mate.
How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just beat the room for it being black.
How do you communicate to the dead?
Jump up and down on the ground and speak in Morse code!
What's red all over and spins at 100 mps?
Baby in a blender.
Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?
I wake up and I find myself on the floor.
What do you call a guy on fire in a wheelchair?
Hot wheels.
Why do people love camping?
Because it's in tents!
What do sperm say while just in?
"We need to go deeper."
Person: Hey, do you know what's the best thing in life?
...
You do realize that I said nothing, right?
Me: Exactly :)