INS jokes
Yo mama so fat, when she joined NASA, they put her in orbit and the next day there was a lunar eclipse.
I got raped when I was 5 in my princess pajamas by my dad. Nobody laughed at these jokes; they just cried.
Why do dwarfs suck a cow's udder instead of being breastfed? Because they are too short.
Robber 1: *gets shot in ass*
Robber 2: You have to shit in a bag for life lol.
Robber 1: What, the Tesco or Asda one?
My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"
Why did the cowboy put his bunk in the fireplace?
'Cause he wanted to sleep like a log!
My grandpa was in 9/11. He was the best pilot.
So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.
The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
We're skipping April Fools' Day this year. The biggest joke is already sitting in office running our country.
The orphanage was open in apps, but I didn’t see the home button.
What do you call a cow that lives in Africa? Moo-fasa!
What do you call an orphan in Alabama?
A virgin.
Me: *opens a bag of hot Cheetos in class*
All my friends: Hey bro, can I have some?
People I don't know: Please lemme have some. PLEASE, I'll be your best friend!
People I say no to: (⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)
What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
Put them in a barking lot!
Hi, if you are suffering with depression and want to talk about it, please do so in the comments, and just know you are NOT alone.
Q: Who are the fastest readers? A: Twin Tower victims, they got 80 stories in ten seconds.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at school? Put another one in and continue!
What are the best shooting ranges in America?
Schools.
There's a kid named Little Johnny who would always cuss. Well, one day, he was sitting in class and the teacher said, "Let's play a game." So the game was she calls out a letter and someone raises her hand and tells her a word that begins with that letter. The teacher says "A". Little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher thinks to herself, "Well, he might say something like a**." So the teacher calls on Sally. Sally says "apple". The teacher says "B". Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher thought, "No, he might say something like b!tch." So the teacher goes all the way to R. The teacher says "R". Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Me, me, please, I really know one." Then the teacher thinks to herself, "Well, there's no cuss word that starts with R," so she said, "Okay, Johnny, give me a word that starts with R." Little Johnny says, "A rat!" and the teacher, very pleased, says, "Very good, Johnny. What type of rat?" Little Johnny says, "A big gosh damn mother freaker."
Sorry, I had to edit some word, but y'all know what I meant.
When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.