INS jokes
What does Michael Jackson and tuna fish have in common?
They both come in small can.
My dad said not to touch this thingy called a gun, but I looked down that pole and pressed that thing, and now I'm in heaven.
Two friends were walking in a forest. They started to fight.
A cannibal came and shouted, "Food fight!"
What does Kim Kardashian and the ocean have in common?
They both have plastic in them.
Why did 10 have trauma?
Because 10 was in the middle of 9/11.
What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
What does a cloud wear in a storm?
Thunderwear.
Who can jump the highest?
Emo kids, some are still in the air.
A guy walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "If I can surprise you, I get a free drink." The bartender was unsure but agreed.
The guy pulled a 30cm long pianist out of his pocket, and he starts to play.
The bartender was surprised and gave the guy a free drink.
The guy then says, "You see, I have a little wizard in my pocket that grants wishes. Can I get another free drink if you get a free wish?"
The bartender agrees without hesitation.
The bartender wishes for 1000 bucks, but he gets 1000 ducks.
"WTF!" the man shouts.
The guy answered, "Did you think I wanted a 30cm long pianist?"
What do you call a Terrorist in a wheel chair?
RCXD in bound
Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"
Friend #2: "Apples"
Me: "I can hang myself in them."
What do a jack-o-lantern and an emo have in common?
They can both carve a new emotion.
Why will America always lose in chess?
It lost its two towers!
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said, "Okay class, what's behind my back?" She said, "It's round and red," and Sally said, "Ooh, ooh, it's an apple!" And the teacher said, "No, but I like where you're going with this." So now the teacher said, "It is also used to make multiple things," and Sally said, "Ooh, ooh, it's a container of paint!" And the teacher said, "Again, no, but I like where you're going with this." And the teacher said, "It's a ball of yarn," as she pulled it out from behind her back. Then Little Johnny said, "Okay, my turn." He said, "What's in my pocket? It's round and it has a head." And the teacher said, "That's enough, Johnny, now sit down." And Little Johnny pulled the thing out of his pocket and said, "It's a nickel, but I like where you're going with this."
If we can't say "God" in vain, why does He get to?
In America, mom births you.
In Soviet Russia, you birth mom.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair smoking weed?
A baked potato.
How to surprise a blind man: put a plunger in the toilet!
What does a waiter in a Chinese restaurant call a customer that won't leave a tip? A "plick."