INS jokes

Ex

    • When you're so rich that you can buy anything, you end up getting a cow in your living room. Yeah, anyways, my ex is still in my living room.

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    • 9/11

    • The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.

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    • Alien

    • I found an alien in my backyard. I put him to work. He went to a farm, and I never saw him again. Moments later, he is on the Daily Planet acting as a reporter. A green rock smashed my house. I called him back, and he passed out.

    I remarked, "You lazy!"

    Trampoline

    • Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.

    I asked an angel, "How did I die?"

    "Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."

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    • Smoking

    • I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

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    • Ex

    • So my ex, who wouldn't leave me alone because she thought I was the best person in the world even though Will has a better haircut than me, but anyway, when we broke up she said I was the worst person she ever met, and I told her she looks like a cross between a beaver and a mole rat.

    Then I told her she has the Wendy's logo haircut and then some other things I'm not gonna say. 2 years of bullshit, I was done.

    Anyways, she cried lol.

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    • Cancer

    • "I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

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    • Definition

    • The teacher was asking some of her students the meanings of words.

    "Sally, can you tell me what 'beautiful' means?"

    Sally: "You..."

    Teacher: "Aww! How nice! But next time, say the actual definition. Now, can someone tell me what 'malicious' means?"

    Andrew: "A dangerous person and/or virus."

    Teacher: "Great job, Andrew! Now, what does 'fat' mean? Johnny?"

    Johnny: "A pig."

    Teacher: "Could you tell me the actual defini- "

    Johnny: "In other words, the person who last spoke to me!"

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