INS jokes

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.

So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."

Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."

What's gayer than a gangbang in a man sex ring?

Not slapping the ass at Hooters.

So I’m riding in the car with my dad and all of a sudden I smell something rank without warning.

My dad starts laughing at me.

Dad: “Son! That must have been an orphan fart! You know why?”

Me: “Why dad?”

Dad: “Because it ain’t got no pop!”

The "S" in Putin stands for smart.

Heaven is like university: no one gets in.

Why can't Mexicans cross the border? They always sneak powder in.

What did the British soldiers say while in the trenches? "Damn, it's windy out here!"

Why should you always knock on the fridge door before opening it? In case there's a salad dressing.

What do a crippled person's legs and the Twin Towers have in common? They both went down and never came back up.

What do blind kids and orphans have in common?

They both can't see their parents.

In Ohio, people walk with their hands.

Your momma is so fat, when she got in the Pacific, she became the Pacific Ocean.

Your mama's so ugly, she got everything for free.

What do you call an animal in space? Just death because you need a spacesuit.

What did one orphan say to the other orphan?

"Robin! Jump in the Batmobile."

What brands do people in wheelchairs wear?

Michelin.

What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes.

What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet?

Gum.

Guess what, everybody? I'm dumb in math. I'm dumb and stupid at math.