If jokes

If I teach man he is the fish I caught, will I no longer be a fisher of men?

Are you suicidal? Remember, if you ever feel unwanted, just check to see your warrants.

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.

"Like if u cry everytime."

If you're mad, go punch an orphan. What are they going to do, tell their mom?

Even if orphans fail their exams, I'm sure their parents wouldn't...

Oh wait...

Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.

If an orphan has a nightmare, they should run to their parents. Oh wait!

How many orphans can you fit in a bag of chips?

One, if the bag is family size.

Me to an orphan: If you had a penny for everyone who loved you, I don't think you'd have any.

The orphan: But why?

Me: Because if someone loved you, they wouldn't have thrown you out.

My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.

If a bird flies, and a duck can also run and fly, while a cat walks, why do we drink water?

If at first you don’t succeed... then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

If Finding Nemo was scientifically correct, Marlin would have changed into a female and mated with Nemo.

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

What is the difference between an adopted kid and an orphan?

If you're adopted, you're actually wanted.

I asked the emo kid if they get jealous when their phone dies.

If I look after chickens, does that make me a chicken tender?

There were 25 cows, 28 chickens. How many didn't?

(Ten, if you count in base 13!)

If a kid refused to go to bed, does that make them guilty of resisting a rest?