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Me: MOM, I'm tired.

Mom: Take a nap.

Me: No, I can't sleep if Dad isn't here.

Mom: *hangs picture of dad on her room wall* Well, now you can.

If you take your dog for a walk and you BOTH use the fire hydrant down at the corner...you might be a Redneck!

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Cause it got stuck in the crack.

*If you don't get it, it got stuck in the butt crack.*

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."

Michael Jackson is like if a Barbie doll and Bruno Mars had an ugly child together!

I'm jk btw Michael Jackson was amazing!

There are 2 dads and 2 sons. They all caught a fish.

Why did they only come home with 3 fish?

(Answer)

There were a grand-dad, dad, and son.

If you don't get it, then it means grand father is the dad to the dad (1 dad). Dad is the dad for the son and a son for the grandfather. Get it?

Me: "Comment if you love yourself and give me a reason."

Friends: comments give reason.

Me: "Notice how I commented nothing."

Day later:

Mom: Let me see your TikTok.

Me: Shows her the video.

Mom: calls suicide.

JK, she just beat me for posting a video on her.

Little Johnny's father says if them boys say another bad word, I'm going to whoop them, and Little Johnny's brother says, "I'd like some fucking food," and he whooped him, and Little Johnny says, "He would. I'd like some food. At least I didn't—I'd like some fucking food. Bye."

Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?

My friend: Chunky dunks.

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    • If you're going shopping at school, what color would I like to smell: True or False?

    If Hillary and Biden got locked in a room together, all they would talk about is how to ruin America and make a plan to steal children.

    A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.

    Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'

    The patient said, "When will this be over?"

    The doctor said, "After you die."

    The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"

    The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."

    The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"

    If your hot dog tastes like a piece of wood, who are you going to call?

    "Ghost Musterd."