Husband jokes

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

Granny says don't worry, the cries of pain are only my ex-husband's.

Wife: Honey, I love you.

Husband: I love you all.

Wife: Awww.......... Wait WHAT?!?!??!

What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow.

So I was at the store and I saw a pretty woman, and I said, "Hi."

Quickly, she said, "I am not interested. I have a husband."

And when I saw the woman again, she said, "I need help."

I said, "No, call your husband!" KARMA. 😂😜

A couple has sex in the dark every single night.

One night, the wife gets curious about what goes on, so they start f...ing, and she flicks the light on. When she flicks the light on, she catches him with a dildo playing with her pussy. She's so mad that she started ranting and raving. The husband says, "Honey, I know you're mad, and I'll explain the toy. Just do me one favor: explain the children."

What’s pink, nine inches, and makes my wife cry when I shove it down her throat?

Her Miscarriage.

Wife is texting husband:

"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"

Husband: "seilghsielguG"

Wife: "Seriously, David?"

Husband: "fuweyadb"

A man walked into the kitchen and asked his blonde wife what she was doing. She said, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle. It's supposed to be a tiger, but all of the pieces are brown." Her husband then said, "Honey, those are frosted flakes."

A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.

Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"

A guy tells his pal, "My wife is expecting. We're going to the clinic to see if it's a girl or a boy."

"Congrats, man. What are you gonna name it if it's a boy?"

"We're going with Trevor."

"Ok, what if it's a girl?"

"Then we'll have an abortion."

Wife: Stop telling rape jokes, it's not funny. Husband: Who raped you this morning?

My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

My wife said she would slam my head into my keyboard if I did not get off video games.

But don't worry I think she was just joking.

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.

A wife asks her husband: Am I pretty or ugly?

The husband answers her: Pretty.

The wife responds: Thank yo-

The husband interrupts her: Pretty ugly!

Why did Mrs. Henderson get a divorce from her husband, Harry?

She was tired of everyone calling the family "Hairy" and the Hendersons.

A Russian wife turned to her husband and asked...

"What's this special military operation our glorious leader keeps talking about?"

Her husband replied, "It's a proxy war between Russia and NATO."

"Oh, right. How's it going?"

"Well," he replied, "so far we've lost 200,000 soldiers, 4,000 tanks, 500 aircraft, numerous helicopters, loads of armoured vehicles and artillery pieces along with our 'flag ship'."

"Wow! What about NATO?"

"They haven't turned up yet."