Hows jokes
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!
Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.
How is the business in Ukraine? It's booming.
How does a train dance?
It bogies!
How Russians dance for their girl
Kid: How much do you get paid?
Teacher: Minimum wage.
How do you make an elephant float?
One elephant, two scoops of ice cream, and a lot of root beer!
Teacher: How many kids are in this classroom?
Kid: 73 if you count the ones you have hid in the basement.
How do you get away with rape and incest in California?
Say you identify as a woman. Fact: It's actually legal to rape your daughter if you are a woman in California.
An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.
Man: "Hey, cute lady!"
Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."
Man: "Not for long!"
And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.
Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"
Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."
Woman: "Never."
And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.
Man: "You look like a dream."
Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"
Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"
And then the man orders flowers and candy.
Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."
And the man shoots the bartender.
Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.
Two fish were in a tank. One turned to the other and asked: "Hey, how do you drive this thing?"
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through something so small?"
How did Stephen Hawking make it up the stairway to heaven?
Well, he didn’t; they invented an elevator.
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
How do rappers greet each other?
With a high five and a mic drop!
How did I escape from Iraq, Iran?
How does a mathematician get tan?
sin/cos.
Uranus is a cow, You may be wondering, how?
Uranus farts methane, And cows do the same.
How do you trap a shape? You use a trapezoid.
How do you say “Yes, you look good” in Spanish?
– Sí...
See deez nuts!