Hows jokes
Two guys watching a war movie at a bar are talking. One says to the other, "The Nazis starved my dad to death in a concentration camp during the war."
The other says, "My dad died in a camp as well... he broke his neck."
First guy says, "How did he break his neck?"
Second guy says, "He fell out of the guard tower."
So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.
A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."
The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
How did the cheetah greet other animals?
Cheetah: "Nice to eat you."
Look at a bag of black grapes. See how dark they are? That’s how I like my men.
25 at a time.
How did the flight attendant want their burger?
Just plane!
How are guys and tile floors alike?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.
How do you make epileptic kids dance?
Throw a flash bang in their room.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
Wood fired pizza?
How's pizza gonna pay child support now?! :O
Please drop a like.
Hi, welcome to David’s sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?
*bowl of dark grapes*
Friend 1: I like my grapes how I like my men.
Friend 2: Black? Good one.
Friend 1: 21 at a time.
I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"
I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."
How did Helen Keller lose her arm? She tried to read the stop sign at 100 MPH.
Q: How did the explorers get to school?
A: They rode the Colum-bus!
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He ran out of battery life.
I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.
How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?
Because Paul Walker crashed into it.
I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"
And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"
And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.