Hows jokes
A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."
The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
How did the cheetah greet other animals?
Cheetah: "Nice to eat you."
Look at a bag of black grapes. See how dark they are? That’s how I like my men.
25 at a time.
How did the retard get hurt raking the leaves?
Fell out of the tree.
How do you make epileptic kids dance?
Throw a flash bang in their room.
How are guys and tile floors alike?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.
How did the flight attendant want their burger?
Just plane!
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
Wood fired pizza?
How's pizza gonna pay child support now?! :O
Please drop a like.
How did Helen Keller lose her arm? She tried to read the stop sign at 100 MPH.
I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"
I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."
Hi, welcome to David’s sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?
*bowl of dark grapes*
Friend 1: I like my grapes how I like my men.
Friend 2: Black? Good one.
Friend 1: 21 at a time.
How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?
Because Paul Walker crashed into it.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He ran out of battery life.
I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.
Q: How did the explorers get to school?
A: They rode the Colum-bus!
I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"
And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"
And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.
Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!
Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!
Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!