Hows jokes

How do you shut Helen Keller up?

You give her mittens.

How can you save a depressed person from a tree?

You cut the rope.

How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.

I found out how to gain millions of followers.

Run through Africa with a bottle of water.

How do prisoners call each other? Cell phones.

How are laundry and Michael Jackson related?

They both got bleached!

A 28 year old woman, Olga, in Meshchovsk, Russia took justice into her own hands when a 32 year old male robber, Viktor, decided to rob her salon. She tied him, feeding him only Viagra, having sex with him over and over. After a few days, she released him after he stated he learned his lesson and wouldn't go to the police. He lied and went to the police anyways. Both were arrested.

After his sentence was over, Viktor sat down to speak to the local news. The reporter asked Viktor, "How was this whole ordeal?" Viktor replied, "I've had better."

Wood fired pizza?

How's pizza gonna pay child support now?! :O

Please drop a like.

I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?

How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!

A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"

Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."

"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?

Give her a shovel.

How can all rape be prevented? Just teach your daughters to never say no to a man. There - fixed!

How can you make a woman scream your name when you have sex with her?

Change your name to "Rape."

Q: How do you know an Asian person was in your house?

A: Your homework is done, breakfast is made, and your cat is gone.

How do you make an 8 year old girl cry twice. Wipe your bloody cock off on her favourite teddy bear after you’ve finished raping her

Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?

When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”

How do you piss off a midget?

Give them a yo-yo and tell them to play with it.

You know how people say white men can’t jump? Well, you should check the 9/11 footage.

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.