Hows jokes
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they don't know how to hit a home run.
How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.
I found out how to gain millions of followers.
Run through Africa with a bottle of water.
How are laundry and Michael Jackson related?
They both got bleached!
How do prisoners call each other? Cell phones.
A 28 year old woman, Olga, in Meshchovsk, Russia took justice into her own hands when a 32 year old male robber, Viktor, decided to rob her salon. She tied him, feeding him only Viagra, having sex with him over and over. After a few days, she released him after he stated he learned his lesson and wouldn't go to the police. He lied and went to the police anyways. Both were arrested.
After his sentence was over, Viktor sat down to speak to the local news. The reporter asked Viktor, "How was this whole ordeal?" Viktor replied, "I've had better."
Q: How do you know an Asian person was in your house?
A: Your homework is done, breakfast is made, and your cat is gone.
I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?
How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!
A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"
Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."
"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"
How can all rape be prevented? Just teach your daughters to never say no to a man. There - fixed!
How can you make a woman scream your name when you have sex with her?
Change your name to "Rape."
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?
Give her a shovel.
How do you make an 8 year old girl cry twice. Wipe your bloody cock off on her favourite teddy bear after you’ve finished raping her
How can you tell that a website was made by an orphan?
It doesn’t have a home page.
What’s the difference between how you watch porn and I watch porn?
The windows we watch through.
This is how big cats were named.
"I HATE BIG CATS. THAT ONE IS A LIAR, THAT ONE IS A CHEATER. THE ONE IS A POO-MA."
"Lion. Cheetah. Puma. You're getting a promotion."
How do you know a woman is blind?
Because she can’t see the kitchen or the laundry.
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.
How does Hellen Keller meet men?
She goes on blind dates.