A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot he tell the assassin my wife’s been cheating on me I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick, when they arrive they wait the man asks why he hasn’t taken the shot the assassin says I know how I can save you $1000
How do you know someone is going to die? he can't stop coughing. (coffin)
How do you name an asian child?
Ring the doorbell.
How do you avoid getting raped? Just don't say no!
There are three people on the steps of Heaven. God tells them all he is having a good day and if they make him laugh by telling him how they died he will let them in. The first one said I just finished a long day of work and I get home and right as I stepped in I knew my wife was cheating on me. I searched everywhere and I couldn’t find anybody so I got a drink and went to the balcony and then I saw him, hanging off the ledge of the balcony. I kicked his hands but he wouldn’t fall so I threw a Refrigerator at him and I fell with the Refrigerator. God busted out laughing and let him in. The next person walked up and God told him the same thing he told the other person. God told him that he didn’t think that he could make him laugh more than the first person. The second guy said, so get this I’m a window washer on the 8th floor I’m washing the windows like normal and this enraged psychopath walks up and starts kicking my hands and then he throws a refrigerator at me and I die. God bursts out laughing so much to where he falls off his chair and he lets the guy through. The next guy comes up and God tells him the same thing he told the last two people and he tells him that there is no way that he can make him laugh more than the other two did. So he starts talking. So get this I’m in a refrigerator...
You know how divers jump off a cliff and land in the water well ... Emos do that to but when they jump they dont land in the water
In kindergarten we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words. Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit"
How do you keep a blind kid busy? Give him sandpaper and tell him it’s a find a word😂😂
How do you make a blind person jealous you ask if it’s a nice day out
1: hey 2:what 1:we're outta paint 2:*HMM* (and thats how stop signs have extra paint.)
How do you stop constipation?
You scare the crap outta them.
(Crap is another word for poop)
How is there evidence of climate change?
The liberal snowflakes are drastically melting down!
How to do trick a gay man to have sex with a woman?
Take a dump on her vagina!
How do you say “Yes, you look good” in Spanish? – Si... See Deez Nuts!
How to astronauts have a party? They planet
One day my sister was making hotdogs. My sister ask me if I want some I said no then my sister ask my friend, and he always said no. Then my sister said I have to eat it plain with no flavor we have no ketchup, mustard or onions. My friend said I got something to give it flavor my sister ok. My sister left the kitchen to get something. I ask my friend what are you going to do then he took the hotdog bread open it and run is penis all around, and put some white cream that came out of his penis. I put the hotdogs on the bread then my sister came back My sister came back put hotdogs on the hotdog bread. I told my sister the hotdogs are ready she ate them I ask how was the hotdogs. My sister said I don’t know what flavor is this, but it is very tasty.
On a scale of 1-10, how old was Michael Jackson’s last boyfriend?
Do you know how to make 4 Albanians stand on a shoebox? Just tell him that it floats.
A French, a German and an Italian make a race to who resists the most in a room full of flies. The French starts, which after a quarter of an hour comes out. Then goes the German, who comes out after an hour. Finally the Italian enters who comes out after five hours. The French: "But how did you do it?" The Italian: "I killed one." The German: "So what?" The Italian: "And then they were all busy for the funeral!"
A woman asked Stephen Hawking to dance and he replied I'm not much good, I have two left feet. Then how about Karaoke ? To which he replied. I have two left throats.
