Howe jokes
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
Tell them to clap until they see their parents.
How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?
Because Paul Walker crashed into it.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw it.
Q: How did the explorers get to school?
A: They rode the Colum-bus!
How do you make a plumber sad?
You kill his family.
Memes
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He ran out of battery life.
Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!
Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!
Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!
How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.
How do you get them back out? Straw.
How many feminazis does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they can't change anything.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He tried to update to Windows 10, and his hard drive corrupted.
How did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to do his essay.
Student: A plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left?
Teacher: 203
Student: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Teacher: You can't.
Student: Yes, you can. Open the fridge door, put the elephant in.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: Open the door, put in the giraffe?
Student: No, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe.
The Lion King is having a party, who isn't there?
Teacher: Let me guess, the lion.
Student: No, the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge.
Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how?
Teacher: She stepped on the alligators?
Student: No, the alligators are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, how?
Teacher: She frowned?
Student: No, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.
It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.
An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf, and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.
Wanna know how I got away from Iraq? Iran.
How do you stop a skunk from smelling?
Hold its nose.
Worst joke ever.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, she just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.
How does a priest purify water?
Boil the hell out of it!
Do you know how to make 4 Albanians stand on a shoebox?
Just tell them that it floats.
How did Billy find out he was in a minefield?
He saw his dad's corpse holding a jug of milk.
When Ant-Man is the size of an atom, how can he breathe?