Howe jokes

I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater. You said it looked better on me than it did you. Only if you knew how much I liked you. But I watch your eyes as she walks by. What a sight for sore eyes, Brighter than the blue sky. She's got you mesmerized while I die. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. Wish I were Heather. Watch as she stands with her, holding your hand. Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder. But how could I hate her, she's such an angel. But then again, kinda wish she were dead as she walks by. What a sight for sore eyes. Brighter than the blue sky. She's got you mesmerized while I die. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. I wish I were Heather. Oh, I wish I were Heather. Oh, oh, wish I were Heather. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. Wish I were-

What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?

Condoms!

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: .....it...

Friend: No

Me: *smiles* GETS BEAT BY THE MISTRESS AND GETS SCOLDED BY THE MASTER!!!

Friend: Why are you like this?

How do you eat a cake?

With a fork!

Chuck Norris: "Chuck Norris doesn't fight, he just allows you to lose."

Me: "How come did you lose Return of the Dragon?"

How do ducks fart?

Out their butt, quack.

How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

Comedian: If you’re racist and you know it, clap your hands.

Guy 1 & Guy 2: 👏👏

Comedian: WTF bros!

Comedian: And one of you is black and one is white. How does that work?

How do you open a banana? Answer with a mon-key.

How do you stop constipation?

You scare the crap outta them.

(Crap is another word for poop.)

How does a prostitute that has blond hair and polish and a gay white male kill erectile dysfunction for his clients?

He performs fellatio on them.

Officer: Hi, how high are you?

Pothead: No officer, it's "how are you?"

Officer: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been high since last night.

Pothead: Cool, I'd like to give you some weed, happy 420, sir.

Officer: Omg, thanks man, appreciate that.

How to become a monkey?

Put a red dot on your forehead.

How did Helen Keller die?

Her ex gave her plutonium and told her to eat it.

I never liked unnatural adult stars with implants and face surgeries because they look photoshopped, and they always need a ton of lube to get into due to how plastic they are.

Bruh, people always makin' jokes 'bout how their dad left, well in my story it was the mum that needed milk.

Part 2: He walks up to a stake and nails himself there. Then he finds the knife and says to someone to find a cake to celebrate his death, but everybody came. That was the sign that nobody loved him, and that's how you know if people love you.

Sally fell off the swing. How did she fall off?

She had no arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.

How do you get a baby to stop crying?

Simple... you staple its mouth shut.

How do I feed the baby with my pants on?