How did Stephen Hawking really die?
His wife grounded him from using electronics and unplugged everything!
Howe Jokes
How do you fit 15 babies into a shoe box?
A blender.
How do you get them out of the shoe box? A straw.
How did people know the 9/11 victims had a lot of dandruff?
Their head and shoulders were all over New York City!
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He lost a water gun fight.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Fuck 'em.
How did Princess Diana cross the road?
Through the windshield!
How do you make an eight-year-old girl cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock off on her favorite teddy bear after you’ve raped her.
How do you spell "cognitive mess?"
J.O.E. B.I.D.E.N.
How does a paedophile know if he's good at sex?
It'll forever be a mystery because the victims [are] too young to scream his name.
How many shades of gray does it take to make a dirty movie?
50.
If Dusty's dad from Home Alone 2 was in NASA, how come he is not famous?
A man takes a boy into the woods.
Boy says:
"Mister, I’m scared, and it’s dark and cold."
The Man: "How do you think I feel? I’m walking out here alone!"
One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.
His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.
The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in her butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”
“That explains one black eye,” the wife says, “but what about the other?” The man explains, “I figured she must have liked her dress stuck up in her butt crack, so when she turned around I stuffed it back up there.”
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
There are 4 people on an airplane, and the pilot has a heart attack and dies. The plane is going down, and there are also only 3 parachutes. So the guy who knows how to cure cancer says, "I’m jumping. I can save many lives." Then the 46th president, Joe Biden, says, "I’m taking the 2nd one." So there is only one left. Donald Trump says to the 7-year-old girl, "I have lived a long life. You can take the next one." So the little girl says, "That’s ok; the 46th president took my backpack." Lol.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A: A Bed
Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: Never mind, it's over your head!
Q: How many letters are in The Alphabet? A: There are 11 letters in The Alphabet
Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy)
Q: What state is surrounded by the most water? A: Hawaii (this is really just a trick riddle)
Q: David's father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and ? A: David!
Q: If you were in a rainforest, what would be the first thing you put on? A: The radio!
I was eating this girl out the other night, and I tasted horse semen, so I said to her, "Oh, that's how you died, grandma!"
How are genders different than the Twin Towers?
There are two genders.
Do you know how many women have been pope?
Nun.
Teacher: "Okay, so how are you going?"
Student: "I'm not going."
Teacher: "Oh, so you're a wheelchair person?"
