Howe jokes

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.

One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

How do you make an 8 year old girl cry twice?

Wipe your bloody cock off on her favorite teddy bear.

Person: So you know that person's name you say when you make a hoop, well he's dead.

Friend: Yeah, John Wilkes Booth.

Person: How dare you say that he killed Abraham Lincoln?

Friend: Terrible guy but he never missed a shot!

I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"

How do chickens 🐔 get stronger and stronger?

They egg-xercise every day!

How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?

It's only got 10 hours to live.

How did you get Sally into a blender?

- Without much resistance.

How do you get Sally out of a blender?

- Tortilla chips.

Teacher, there are 3 birds. 1 gets shot. How many are left?

Student, none. They flew off because the shot scared them off.

Teacher, actually 2, but I like the way you think.

5 minutes later

Student, there are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking it, 1 is drinking it melted, and 1 is sucking it. Which one is married?

Teacher, the one sucking it?

Student, no, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.

How can you tell if your sister is on her period?

Your father's dick tastes funny.

Mom: That's why your dad left you.

Me: Why?

Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.

Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!

Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!

(This actually did happen in real life.)

How many ears does Captain Picard have?

Three: A left ear, a right ear, and a final front-ear.

How did the Scottish man find the sheep in the tall grass?

Satisfying.

A man was taking a young child into the woods.

The young child said, "Mister, it's getting dark and I'm scared."

The man replied with, "How do you think I feel? I have to go back alone."

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck it off...

Race car backwards is race car.

Race car sideways is how Paul Walker died.

How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?

It has an extra crumb-osome.

This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"

How do Chinese people name their children?

They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen for the sounds, "Ching Chong Chang."

How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?

"Please get out of the pool."