Howe jokes
A man was taking a young child into the woods.
The young child said, "Mister, it's getting dark and I'm scared."
The man replied with, "How do you think I feel? I have to go back alone."
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick it up and suck it off...
Race car backwards is race car.
Race car sideways is how Paul Walker died.
This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"
How do Chinese people name their children?
They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen for the sounds, "Ching Chong Chang."
Memes
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?
"Please get out of the pool."
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 8 because my basement is still dark.
A note for my old English Teacher:
Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...
And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!
How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?
It has an extra crumb-osome.
A happy mother: "Why is your sister so quiet?! And how did you get super glue stuck on your penis?!"
Old Mother Riley, had a fat cow.
She milked it and milked it but didn't know how, she pulled his tail, pulled his tits. Old Mother Riley was covered in sh!t.
Girlfriend: You remind me of a cellphone.
Ex-Boyfriend: How and why?
Girlfriend: Because you're about to die!
Women be like, "Porn is how we get money," then get angry when boys treat women like shit because they seen it on porn.
How do you get a million fans?
Just run through Africa with a bottle of water.
How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.
God: (creating elephants) Make it big.
Angel: How big?
God: As big as my d--
Angel: Whoa!
God: Fine, 10 feet tall.
Angel: That's big bu--
God: Put a long thing on its face.
What is similar about the feelings of a girl's birth daddy and her new pimp daddy?
They both worry about how she will turn out!
How are a mouse and a bale of hay alike?
The cat'll eat it (the cattle eat it).
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.
Best way to trick your friends:
A brick falls out of a plane.
How do you put an elephant in the fridge? Open the door, put him in, and close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Open the door, take the poor elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
The animal kingdom is throwing a party, all the animals are there except for one, who? The giraffe, because he's still in the fridge.
Sally needs to cross the river that is known to be filled with deadly crocodiles, but she crossed safely, how? Because the crocodiles are at the party, but Sally still dies after crossing the river, how? Because she was hit by the flying brick.