Mental Hospital jokes

Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?

Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.

Are you a mental hospital? Cause I need to be in you.

I went to the mental hospital. I asked one of the kid what its favorite animal was. They said a bird. I asked for a reason. It's because they both jump off roofs.

Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?

They would hang themselves like ornaments.

What do you call a nut that screws and then bolts?

An escapee from a mental hospital.

Why can’t mental hospitals have Halloween?

Because the patients thought the pumpkins were them. I tried.

Fella walks past a mental hospital; they're all out in the garden behind this big fence, all shouting "13, 13, 13, 13," etc., over and over again.

This fella is intrigued, sees a little hole in the fence, looks through it... gets fucking poked straight in the eye!

Then they all start singing, "14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14!"

A man comes into the pharmacy to get a flu shot. The pharmacy nurse prepares one of the shots. The man gets the shot, and the nurse cleans the shot area.

The next day, the man comes back and gets another shot. Before he paid, the nurse said, “Don’t you realize if you get another shot you may die from overdose?” The man said, “Don’t you realize if you don’t shut up I’ll give you a shot of lead?” The nurse got scared and quit her job.

The nurse was relaxing, looking for a vacation to book, when all of a sudden she hears an odd noise. It sounds like someone cocking a gun. The man was hiding behind the nurses bushes. “In return for you giving me shots, here are yours,” said the man as he was chuckling like a psycho. The man shot the nurse in the leg so she couldn’t escape, then he shot her left hand, which is the lady’s dominant hand, so she couldn’t call the cops. For the finishing move, the man curb stomped the fucking life out of her until her head was as flat as paper.

9 years later......

All along, this man, this psycho, escaped a mental hospital. He went on mass genocide, killing 20,000 people in just 3 years. This man is more than human, more than alien, more than god himself. It was Satan reborn.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?

Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.

So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis. We talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing with her about being suicidal. She's been very helpful throughout it. I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.

What mental illness do terrorists suffer from?

Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED).

So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."