Home Jokes

Hey, pass me that crowbar, please.

Sure... y’know, before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.

Welcome to Alex's orphanage, you make 'em, we take 'em.

My mom interrupted my gaming session to tell me to hang up the lights.

I hung something else instead.

Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.

Get the whip, you're out!

I wondered why there was red all over my bathroom til I found out that my sis had dyed her hair red. Man, it looked like somebody died in there! Lol.

A screenshot of a comment on Pornhub. The comment reads: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your father and I are heartbroken."

The bears came home. Daddy bear said, "Who's been eating my porridge?" said, "Who's been in my porch?" Baby bear said, "Never mind about the porridge, who knocked the telly?"

I left my Avatar at home today.

Don't you hate when you have sex with your teacher, then remember you're home schooled?

How can you make a orphans hand bleed?

Real them to clap until there parent come home.

If you're cleaning a vacuum cleaner, does that make you the vacuum cleaner?

Hey Evan, this is Dad. Ya, I’m still not home.

Why can't orphans go to homecoming? Because they don't have a home to go to.

What shows do orphans dream of?

Full House or Fuller House.

Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?

Your mum's vagina is so ravenous, that last night we both ended up on the living room floor, with her on top. She was eating my creamy young face off.

Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?

I made this up.

I was watching a school baseball game, and I was yelling at a kid to take it home. He took the bat and threw it, and then ran away. I asked the teacher/coach what the problem was, and he said the kid was an orphan, and I started laughing so hard.

Later that night, I wondered where he stormed off to after he threw the bat, and I thought to myself, "Not home."

One day I caught my sister talking to my girlfriend, and she said, "You never told me you're lesbian." I said, "No, not at all." My girlfriend asked, "Why did you not tell her?" and I said, "Because every time I bring a girl home, I hear too much noise in her room, and I never get the chance to kiss them because she's cleaning the trash." She said, "Yeah, the trash is her junk."

Two natives sit in the bar getting shit-faced.

Almost closing time, "Brother, you gonna snag?"

"Yeah, I'm taking her home."

He walks over, she gathers her things. Walking out together, he takes her to his car outback. They stay messing around then start having sex. He starts to get carried away. He looks down at her. She looks up at him and says, "Slow down, cousin, you're going too fast..."