Home jokes

Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.

Get the whip, you're out!

I wondered why there was red all over my bathroom til I found out that my sis had dyed her hair red. Man, it looked like somebody died in there! Lol.

Hairline is so far up, Patrick Mahomes can't even sell to a wide receiver.

Your dad's Spider-Man because he's far from home.

Why can't an orphan play baseball?

Because he can't find home.

Why do police never put an orphan in prison? It's too much like a home.

Why did the orphan stop playing baseball?

Because baseball has a home, and an orphan does not.

Laugh now.

Your mama so fat that when she sits around the house, she literally sits around the house.

My wife is so fat, she gets home, her ass gets home a half hour later.

Hey, pass me that crowbar, please.

Sure... y’know, before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.

Welcome to Alex's orphanage, you make 'em, we take 'em.

Went home with a woman last night. I was greeted at the door by a Mongrel.

I say Mongrel, it was her Down syndrome son trying to process if I was a stranger or not.

If you're cleaning a vacuum cleaner, does that make you the vacuum cleaner?

Why do orphans play baseball because they try to find home?

Kid: I want to be like Batman.

Genie: I can make arrangements. The kid comes home, both of his parents are dead.

Genie: I told you.

Kid: .............................................

Why was the orphan kid bad at school? Because he wanted a phone call home.

Hey Evan, this is Dad. Ya, I’m still not home.

How can you make a orphans hand bleed?

Real them to clap until there parent come home.

Q. Who do you call when a baby with anencephaly is born? A. The funeral home.

When Sally was little, she came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, I can't believe it! Little John collects Pimmel at school."

Mom: "No?"

"Like in heaven?" said the mother.

"No, juice," Sally said.