Home jokes

Why did the orphan have to go to public school? He could not be home-schooled.

Girl, come here, my parents aren't home.

Orphan: Mine are never.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

When you get home and see your parents with your grades in their hands.

Twenty minutes later, they're slapping you with the belt.

What's an orphan's favorite sport?

Baseball, because that's the only time they can run home.

What is an orphan's favorite movie? Home Alone.

Once Jimmy was minding his own business, then he hears his mom come home. He asked, "Where have you been?" She replied with, "I was at work," yet he knew his mom did not have work. So the next day, while heading to school, he gets a phone call saying his mom is pregnant, and they want to try their device, and they need the baby's dad to say if it's alright.

Why can't weapons play baseball?

Because they need to get to home base.

A burglar breaks into the home of a weapons engineer. He wants to steal some of his weapons from his strictly secured chamber. When he breaks in through the window to go into his weapons cellar, he realizes that the inventor is at home and heard him from upstairs.

The burglar shouts, "Hands up, there is no escape!" The engineer shouts, "What do you want from me?" The thief answers impatiently, "Well, what do you think? I know what you're hiding here. Get me entry to your armory, right away!" "Never in my life will I do that!" The burglar pulls out his pistol, "Either you let me in, or you go for it!"

"Well, I'll give up, I'll give you my guns. Please don't shoot me." The burglar grins gleefully, "Thank you." "I even have a gun here that I've been working on lately. You can have it." The burglar then thinks and grunts, "Okay, before you open up, you'll show me this first!"

The inventor says, "It's shooting plasma. You can test it on one of my practice goals that I've made while I'm unlocking," and points to a side room where various dummies with targets are set up. The burglar walks into the room with the targets, focuses on the red dot in the middle of the disc, and pushes off. But the gun does not fire plasma or at the target. Instead, the gun fires a bullet at the burglar. This causes him to bleed to the ground.

The engineer behind him began to laugh, "Hahaha! I knew you were falling for it! This is not a plasma gun at all; this is my latest invention, especially for burglars like you: the backward-shooting pistol."

I saw a news ad on TV about a dad coming home after getting milk. I said, "I've never seen that one before!"

So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.

The bears came home. Daddy bear said, "Who's been eating my porridge?" said, "Who's been in my porch?" Baby bear said, "Never mind about the porridge, who knocked the telly?"

How is a marriage like a hurricane?

In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.

My dick is like the way home for an orphan, its length is never-ending.

Good day today, love you. Walk in love day and a walk home night. Night, night. I did not get snow. I love it is the day that we get a tree. I have to go get some sleep. Was good day at school today, but I’m going to be...

An orphan walked up to a baseball field, but a security guard said he couldn't come in because it was a home game.

The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.

What is wrong with orphans' phones?

They'll never have a home screen.

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.

I saw my midget neighbor at a bus stop.

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.

"Bugger off!" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little man," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.