Hit Jokes

A hitman walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'm here to assassinate John Tucker." The bartender replies, "He’s in the restroom." The hitman goes inside the restroom and comes out after 1 hour.

The bartender asks him, "Did you kill him?" The hitman replies with a sad face, “I asked him any last wishes and the guy asked me to allow him to finish his shit as he is half way in passing his stools, so I gave him my word that I would wait and so I waited for an hour, and when I asked him what’s taking him so long, he says he will not be able to finish because he is just getting started.”

What do a blackjack dealer and my uncle have in common?

They both hit me face down on the table.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it hit me!

A man walks into a skyscraper bar and takes a shot of tequila and jumps out of a window. An onlooker watches this and is scared, but what scared him most is when the same man who jumped came back up again 10 minutes later.

The onlooker who is amazed asked the man how he was still alive, and the man said with a drunk, slurred voice, “I don’t know, every time I take a shot and jump I float right before I hit the ground!” The man demonstrates and as he said floated down and came back up to the bar. The onlooker says that he must try, slams a shot of tequila and jumps SPLAT!

The bartender looks at the first man and says, “Your an a**hole when your drunk, Superman.”

My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.

she drunk

An image of Elsa from "Frozen" holding a bottle, with text that reads: "When you show up to a party and your drunk friend who's been there for hours hits you with this look.."

What’s the difference between my mom and the Twin Towers?

My mom got hit by two cars. The Twin Towers got hit by two planes.

Do you like Wendy's when these nuts hit your face?

A penis is driving a car when all of a sudden it gets hit by a car, what did the penis end up saying?

Aaaawwwww I got dicklash!

I was playing baseball with orphans, but when they hit a homerun, they had nowhere to go.

I was at a football match, and the ball was getting closer. Then it hit me. *face palm*

Why don't rappers ever play baseball?

Because they're too busy dropping hits!

My cousin really loves baseball.

He always brags about how many home runs he hit in the minors.

I'm like a rubber because people hit me as I can't feel.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

Why can’t an orphan hit a home run? Because he doesn’t have a home.

What time is it when you get hit by a car? Time to die.

My name is Justin. I like boys. Hit me up?

I met this kid and he was being bullied by 9 people. I Asked 1 whats going on. They all said another one to bully they all tried hitting me and then my mates which was like 15 of them came in and it was like war all over again.