Hit jokes

One time, a man got mad at me because I was hitting on his girlfriend. Like come on, man, it was only a couple of bruises!

Why did the little boy get hit by a car?

Answer: Because Sally was driving!

What did Josef Vasicek think before the plane hit the ground?

"Oh shit, is my name still on the Stanley Cup?"

What did Pavol Demitra think before the Yaroslavl plane hit the ground?

"Oh shit, did I leave the stove on at home?"

So NFL teams were playing football on me, and then Justin Jefferson hit something called "the gritty" on me.

Nostalgia hits you like a train.

It's so hard, you can even wake up.

John Kreese's forehead broke when silver hit 'em in the forehead.

An emo and a leaf fall from a tree, which hits the ground first?

The leaf, because the emo got caught by the rope.

What do you get when you cross an adopted kid with a river?

Moses hits the adoption lottery!

Do you know how I lost my music teacher job?

I tried to hit G by putting D.

Why did James fall off the swing?

He had no arms.

Why did the dog cross the road?

It didn't. Got hit by a car on the way to the other side.

I met a drum circle once, they were a huge hit!

I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.

Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.

What do women and appliances have in common?

If they don't work, hit them until they work.

What do you call a Titan who can't swim?

Titanic!

Imagine the Titanic with a lisp. It would be unthinkable. My version is imagine the Titanic with a lisp, it would be unsinkable.

What did the front half of the Titanic say to the other half when it hit the iceberg? I'm breaking up with you.

Two lions plan their escape from the circus. The night they get out of their cages, they see a lone clown stumbling back from town, drunk, not a soul in sight. Since they are going on the run, they decide to catch one last meal before they hit the road.

As one lion gets a bite of leg, the second takes a piece of shoulder.

Then one stops and asks his companion:

"Does this taste funny to you?"

A man comes to a bar and has a drink. Then his bully came to him and stole his drink. Then the bully asked, "What's wrong?"

The man said that "I'm trying to kill myself. I tried getting hit by a train, but the train went on a different track. Then I tried to jump off a bridge, but I fell on a boat full of pillows. Then I tried to poison myself."

Then the bully says, "Then what?" Then the man replied, "You just drank it." Then the man left.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Slap it on the arse and tell it to keep going!

Whenever I’m bored, I hit up my local orphanage and beat some of them up.

I mean honestly, what are they going to do, tell their parents? 😂😂