Him Jokes

Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.

"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.

"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.

And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."

A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,

"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."

To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."

To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Teacher: Tell me a moral story.

Little Johnny: Once my grandfather was in WW2. He saw everyone praising to kill him. For example, we should sneak up and kill him. We get the helicopter above and shoot him from there. My grandfather heard this, he got his gun and shot them all.

Teacher: What is the moral even?

Little Johnny: Never plan to kill my grandfather.

How do you find out if your kid is gay?

Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.

Here’s another joke my friend told me.

What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.

Son: Mom, what's dark humor?

Mom: Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap.

Son: Mom, I’m blind.

Mom: Exactly.

Son: Mom, what's dark humor?

Mom: Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap.

Son: Mom, I'm blind.

Mom: Exactly.

Good news, people! Michael Jackson is still alive. They found him hidden away in a goat pen with all the kids!

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"

My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!

I saw a kid crying yesterday, and I asked him, "Where are your parents?" Then he started crying harder.

So last night I went on a taxi and I showed them your photo. All they said was I could ride him, it would be expensive though, since from his eyebrows to hairline is at least £100.