New Him Jokes - Page 85 - Worst Jokes Ever

What happened when a hammer punished the nail?

He hit him.

Knock knock! Who's there? It's Dave! Dave who? Dave proceeds to break down crying at the realization that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

Once, there was a Minecraft child molester on the Minecraft Facebook. He asks a kid his age. The kid blocks him.

What did Siri say when Stephen Hawking spoke to him... Sorry, I don't like Microsoft.

One day a skeleton never worked. Everyone called him lazybones.

One day, a skeleton wasn't laughing. Someone asked him why he was not laughing. It turns out he fell and broke his bone, his funny bone that is.

A gay guy asked me for directions, so I told him to go straight.

Bambi was calmly eating grass. All of a sudden, a red dot pointed near his heart caught his attention. He looked around anxiously, and he saw a man in camouflage. He whispered, "Time to join mother, Bambi!" Bambi knew what this meant. He ran. He heard a gunshot, followed by a wave of extreme pain. Bambi fell to the ground. He glanced at his leg, which was no longer attached to his body. The man in camouflage came up to him and stabbed him in the heart. Everything went black...

An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. "You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?" The Cuban simply says, "See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap."

The other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Oh, OK."

The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. "You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?" The Russian simply states, "See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap." Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Ah, yes! Of course."

The American scratches his head and goes, "I think I see the pattern here." So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!

An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, "You look like a million pounds!" The wife divorced him.

What did the baritone say to the alto?

Nothing, you couldn’t hear him.

A man walking on his roof, carrying an axe. He drops it on someone below him and says, "Sorry, it was an axe-cident!"

A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home.

As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump's wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie.

As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him. The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him, and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him.

Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes, but he wasn't really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump's friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump's friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, "Aww, I'm lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!"

One day Nathan came in ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Nathan, what do you have to say for yourself?" Nathan says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then Dave came in a further ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Dave, what do you have to say for yourself?" Dave says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then Mike came in a further ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Mike, what do you have to say for yourself?" Mike says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then five minutes later a new girl walked in to Mr. Jones's lesson. Mr. Jones is at the end of his tether now and says, "Who are you and why are you late?" The new girl says, "Sir, I'm called Cherry Hill."