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Him jokes

So, I was getting on a plane, and the pilot does his usual speech talking about altitude and what not with the microphone, and he forgets to turn it off, so after the speech I heard him and the co-pilot talking about what they were doing after work, and whatnot.

Then the pilot said he was dying for a blowjob and a coffee, so a stewardess ran to the pilots cabin, and then left about 15 minutes later, and the pilot shouted "Next time don't forget the coffee!"

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    • So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.

    But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."

    So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.

    This was the best day of my life.

    This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.

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    • I have an EpiPen.

    My friend gave it to me when he was dying.

    It seemed really important to him that I have it.

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    • After watching Star Wars 8, I have to say Snoke was half the man I expected him to be.

    An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"

    My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and he just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

    There is a ghost baseball game and one team loses because of one player so they start booing him!

    One time I walked into a room and I saw a man and a dwarf, and I soon found out that the man was the dwarf's father, and I noticed that the dwarf really looked up to him.

    So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.

    Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"

    Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."

    If Stephen Hawking is dying, where do I take him, Currys PC World, or a hospital?

    My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

    When I hired a Asian detective to see if my wife was cheating on me, I got this letter:

    Mr. Wong - I see he, so I climb up tree. He knock on door and she let him in. She talks to him, he talks to she. He undresses she, she undresses he. She plays with he, he plays with she. I play with me, I fall out tree, I no see... No fee.

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    • There were 15 ugly guys on a bus. The bus crashed, and they all went to heaven.

    God took pity on them and told the ugly dudes they could have one wish. The first guy said, "I want to be handsome." God granted his wish. The second guy said, "I want to be more handsome than the first guy." God granted his wish. The third guy said, "I want to be more handsome than the second guy." God granted his wish, and this continued on and on until the 15th ugly guy. The ugly guy was laughing, really hard. "What is your wish?" God asked him. "I WANT ALL THESE GUYS UGLY AGAIN!!!!!" God granted his wish.

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    • Does your cat scratch you?

    Yeah, I need [to] give him payback, but now he won't respond.