Hes jokes

The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."

What did everyone say about the crazy unemployed homeless man?

He made no cents.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.

My uncle died on September 11. He was the greatest pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?

A "glad-he-ate-her".

Did you hear of the guy who was sad about being in a wheelchair? He had that crippling depression.

What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?

A cold shoulder.

Why did a minister who is a Christian nationalist and a bisexual man give anonymous blowjobs to physically handicapped gay men under the handicapped stalls inside the men's restrooms at a rest area?

He wanted to eat footlong hotdogs for lunch at the rest area, but he wanted a sample first (taster).

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

They can’t find home.

A police officer pulls over two Catholic priests. He says he's looking for two child molesters.

The Catholic priests look at each other: "We'll do it!"

I actually think Paul Walker was a good man, he did not deserve to be burned alive.

He had a change of race tho when he died.