Hes

Hes jokes

Ladder

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

Sex worker

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”

Cancer

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

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  • Day

    One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”

    Roman

    What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?

    A "glad-he-ate-her".

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  • Depression

    Did you hear of the guy who was sad about being in a wheelchair? He had that crippling depression.

    Cannibal

    What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?

    A cold shoulder.

    Minister

    Why did a minister who is a Christian nationalist and a bisexual man give anonymous blowjobs to physically handicapped gay men under the handicapped stalls inside the men's restrooms at a rest area?

    He wanted to eat footlong hotdogs for lunch at the rest area, but he wanted a sample first (taster).

    Cheese grater

    "I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

    Man

    A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

    Priest

    A police officer pulls over two Catholic priests. He says he's looking for two child molesters.

    The Catholic priests look at each other: "We'll do it!"

    Paul Walker

    I actually think Paul Walker was a good man, he did not deserve to be burned alive.

    He had a change of race tho when he died.

    Number

    Why did all the numbers mourn 10? Because he was in the middle of 9, 11.

    Family

    You marry a single mother with an adult daughter. Now, your father marries the daughter. So, your father is your son now, because he is married to your daughter-in-law. But as your father's son and your father's father, you're your own grandpa!

    Freedom

    I saw a Cuban prisoner. I asked, "Why are you running from the cops?" He said, "I'M FREE AT LAST!"

    Milk

    When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

    Batman

    I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.