Hes jokes

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

What did the condom say when he came out of a gay guy's asshole?

He said, "Fuck this shit!"

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

Why did a minister who is a Christian nationalist and a bisexual man give anonymous blowjobs to physically handicapped gay men under the handicapped stalls inside the men's restrooms at a rest area?

He wanted to eat footlong hotdogs for lunch at the rest area, but he wanted a sample first (taster).

What did everyone say about the crazy unemployed homeless man?

He made no cents.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

Kenny was into incest until his mom died.

Now he's into necrophilia.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

What’d the fox say when he was asked to describe his wife?

“Hottie hottie hottie hoe!”

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.

My grandpa kept warning the people on the Titanic that the boat was going to sink. Result: he got kicked out of the movie theater.

What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?

A "glad-he-ate-her".

Did you hear of the guy who was sad about being in a wheelchair? He had that crippling depression.

What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?

A cold shoulder.

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

Why doesn't Kermit the frog get married?

He doesn't like commitment.