Hes jokes

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

Don't worry about missing a shot after yelling "Kobe". He didn't make it either.

How did Michael Jackson get away with it?

He's a smooth criminal.

Why did Hitler turn to genocide after a failed career as an artist?

He never learned to mix the colors.

Why was the orphan so successful? Because once someone told him "go big or go home," and he only had one option.

What was found under MJ's pillow after he died?

Billy's jeans.

What was Frankenstein's second job? -- He was a bodybuilder.

Why do bunnies like Bruno Mars? Because he got 24 carrots.

How does a peadophile help a kid with maths? He adds the bed, divides the clothes, and multiplies with the whole classroom.

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.

He said he couldn't complain.

Government Briefing:

Joe Biden had a meeting with the cabinet today...

...He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

I have a dog named Syndrome.

But it gets kinda awkward when he jumps on someone and I have to shout, "DOWN SYNDROME!"

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since Kobe decided he’s too good to wait in traffic.

Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “Whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down.” One kid stepped up and slid down. He wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.

The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money. He then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”

Why couldn't the T-Rex clap?

Because he's dead.

When Stephen Hawking found out about physics, he was speechless.