Hes jokes
Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.
Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
A man once ate the left side of a person. One guy watching asked if the guy he was eating was okay. The man eating him said, "No... it's okay, he's all right now."
My dad is really angry at me for kicking the balls. He's the one that told me always aim for them. Is that why I don't have a brother?
I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.
What do you call a best friend that smokes weed?
A pothead. Just because he's your friend, you don't have to support his poor decisions. Jeez, what has America come to?
Dad/Mom: Son, you're adopted.
Son: I know. *holds up daddy's phone that has the text of them talking about it.*
Dad: Babe, we need to talk.
Mom: Okay......
Dad: He's grounded.
Mom: You're right, you're grounded! Oh, and I'm dumping you.
Son: Am I getting a new daddy?
Mom: Soon honey, soon....
Dad: I really shouldn't have let her know I cheating.
Why did Michael Jackson allow little boys to sleep in his house? Because he's bad.
Do you know why Daddy never comes back to get the milk? Because he’s the milkman.
My brother thinks he's cool when he just SMELLS.
What did Michael Jackson say?
Nothing, he's dead.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.
Listen, Man United might not thank me but get the contract out, put it on the table. Let him sign it, let him write whatever numbers he wants to put on there, given what he's done since he's come in. Ole's at the wheel, man. He's doing it. He's doing his thing. Man United are BACK.
(some kid crying because hes an orphan and kids are bulling him) teacher:HEY i was a orphan to so if you bully him your basicly trying to bully me too me:OOF teacher:now is somebody not here? me:your parents
When a man sleeps with a lot of women, he's called a stud. When a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's called your mum.
My friend's dad went to jail. He's just surprised because he can finally find him!
I heard P. Diddy got a job as a defensive coordinator.
He’s used to penetrating aggressively.
The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.
Did you hear about the four foot tall psychic who escaped prison?
He's a small medium at large.
An Asian gets a choice between his rice cooker or his son. He instantly picks the cooker and says, "He got a B+ in maths last week; he's a failure!"