Hes jokes

Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."

If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it?

The man, because he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

Why wasn't Michael Jackson admitted to college? He refused to declare a major; he only wanted to do minors.

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

What happens when an asian with an erection bumps into a wall? he breaks his nose

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

What is the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie-talkie? He doesn't walkie or talkie.

Why does the ice cream have so many friends?

Because he’s cool.

Why did Hitler never go to a strip club?

He hated the Poles.

What was the pedophile charged with when he was arrested? A minor offense.

Why did Paul Walker cross the street?

Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.

A Catholic priest finds a young boy crying at the top of a cliff.

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

The boy points down. “Mummy and Daddy were in the car and it went over the edge.”

The priest can see the flaming wreck below. He looks around and sees no one else is about and starts to unbutton his belt.

“It’s really not your day, is it?”

I'm funny but sad, I submit jokes you'll love. Look for my name in jokes you've read. Anyway.

What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding, he didn't have the chance to open the gifts.

Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? He took a day off.

My blind friend is so annoying, he kept bumping into things even though I repeatedly told him to look where he was going.

Why does Michael Jackson like to play ping pong or table tennis? He likes to play with the little balls.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

Did you hear about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.

JFK was one of the most open-minded presidents. It really blows my mind how great he was.