Hes jokes
A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."
So this guy thought he was funny by pissing on the floor and not in the urinal.
Later on, I guess some kid ran into the bathroom because, well, he probably had to go, but yeah, he slipped and fell and hit his head on the urinal, so all in all it was a pretty good prank on his part.
I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he rest in peace.
He asked for a shot of beer?
He got shot and killed.
The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live. The doctor replied, "Tu-more."
What can a mouse do?
He clicks.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand-up.
Why did the squirrel do the backstroke?
He wanted to keep his nuts dry.
Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide?
Dave: No.
Jason: Well, he hit his first target.
Q: Why did the teacher die?
A: Because he hated his life.
What happened to the man who made too many bad jokes? He served out a cruel and unusual PUNishment.
Thor is so gay he farts the rainbow bridge to Asgard.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
Why did the baseball player get arrested? He tried to steal third.
What did the dalmatian dog say after he finished his meal?
"That hit the spot?"
A man with 20 dollars walked into Dave & Buster's. He went to the bathroom to wash his hands. He walked out without any clothes but still has his money.
Why did Vladimir Putin get bad grades? -- Because he was Russian.
Why was Jesus not good at Basketball?
Because he died in the Cross 😈
What is Beethoven doing right now?
Nothing, because he is dead.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”