Why does Stephen Hawking always say he's got so many bitches?
Because he is never around Siri.
Hes Jokes
So, apparently, Hitler's dad was quite the abusive fellow, always beating his son.
Guess that's why he's called (Hit)ler.
My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.
He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."
Spongebob is yellow, and he can't drive.
Must be Asian.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
How does a crazy person get to the woods?
He takes the psychopath.
How did the hipster burn his lips?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.
What does a robot do after a one night stand?
He nuts 'n bolts!
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
How did Santa fit down the chimney?
He buttered it.
This one kid I knew had Down syndrome, and he turned a mirror upside down trying to get rid of it.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a soda can?
He was lucky it was a soft drink!
Why did Bob fall off the swing while playing? Because he had no arms.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Not Bob.
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
He was outstanding in his field!
Why did the boy shoot the clock? He wanted to kill time.
Why did the chef flip a pancake? Because he was a tosser.
The inmates are yelling 12...12...12... in the courtyard.
A man walking by is interested why the keep chanting 12...12...12... so he sticks his head through the fence and the inmate poked the man in the eye.
Moment later they start chanting 13...13...13...
At a date:
He: "I work with animals every day."
Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."
Chuck Norris doesn't turn on his shower, he just stares at it until it cries.
