I was joking about self harm to my friend and she told me to CUT it out, I couldn't even laugh. When we were at the self checkout she started scanning my arms, I asked her what she was doing she said, ̈Trying to see if it beeps, ya think id get it to work if I scanned your thighs? ̈ I said, ̈Nah bro you'd overload the system if you put it there. ̈
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to take Snoop Dog for a walk.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to put Vin Diesel in her gas tank.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to mop the floor with Tayler Swift.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to ring Kristen Bell.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to skim Dwayne Johnson across a lake.
Why did the blondie put her ipad in the blender: to make apple juice.
My asian girlfriend has a wierd name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm tu yung."
My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me. The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment. With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
What is the worst thing you can find out about a woman on a first date? She claims to have been raped. Then, you know to get as far away from her as possible because she's probably a feminazi bitch.
The daughter milked her dad. It turns out it wasn't milk...
A man was asked by his 21 years old daughter, " Dad how do you give a blowjob to a man that has a big "dick"? her father replied " honey, you should have watch me last night - it was inside my mouth, does it cycle now?"
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
yo mama is so fat she has her own personal gravity
What is the worst thing about breaking up with a japanese girl? You need to drop the bomb twice on her before she gets it.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. -- I didn't want to interrupt her.
So I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier the look on her face or that the abortion clinic let me keep her
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"
Last halloween i went dressed as a woman. When i rang the doorbell an elderly woman opened and i made grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands. She immediately called the police and told them excactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First he asked are your parents here and i said nothing. Concerned by my answer he then asked if i was ok so i said nothing. He asked me what my name and i responded, "Hellen Keller.
Why was the astronaut 👩🚀 washing her hands?
She was getting ready to eat launch 🚀🥪.
Why did the woman want a boyfriend at least 2 🦶 taller?
So she could feel like a little girl and fulfil her rape fantasy
I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: "Why didn't you drug her again so she would forget?"
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.
