So, a daughter goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" He then tells her, "You know what to do." So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust, and says, "Ugh, tastes like shit." Her dad then said, "Damn, I forgot your brother took the car."
One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."
Joe mama is so fat, Dora can't explore her.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."
My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: You slap her.
Yo mama so ugly, Itachi couldn't look at her to put her in a genjutsu.
My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.
yo mama so fat, when she stepped on the scale it told her "I wanted your weight not your phone number."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Yo mama's so dumb, when a robber stole her TV, she said, "You forgot the remote!"
Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.
So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.
Your mom is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.
The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.
It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.
My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.
Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.
She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."
