A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.
"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.
"Denise."
"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"
"Tom Junior."
So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."
What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?
Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.
Why did the silly girl put sugar under her pillow?
She wanted to have sweet dreams. 😂
What's better than sex with your 12 year old sister?
Rolling her over and pretending it's your 10 year old brother.
One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."
My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.
Joe mama is so fat, Dora can't explore her.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."
Yo mama so ugly, Itachi couldn't look at her to put her in a genjutsu.
Your mom is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.
Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.
So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.
My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
yo mama so fat, when she stepped on the scale it told her "I wanted your weight not your phone number."
Yo mama's so dumb, when a robber stole her TV, she said, "You forgot the remote!"
