Herring Jokes

My friend was feeling low today so I went up to her and said "You know I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life" I don't think she likes me now

My Teacher said ̈Im gonna leave soon, i dont want to be here anymore! ̈, So i shot her.

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things then she told me to go live in it

The closest thing in a depression person's life is a knife and his/her throat

so there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs that said hey sir i've never been fucked before will you do the honors and fuck me, so I threw her in the ocean and said well your fucked now.

how many braincells does a pregnant blonde have 2 one for her one for the baby

why did the hooker quit her job?

she had a nut allergy

Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said “it’s a deer.” The other said it “No it’s a coyote.” The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.

How did Reese eat her cereal? - Witherspoon!

Yo mama so stupid, that when she heard about cookies on the internet she ate her computer

Yo mama so fat, when she joined NASA, they put her in orbit and the next day there was a lunar eclipse.

I told my mother i wanted a brother for Christmas The next day i saw her in the strip club across the street

Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some water, Jill pulled up her dress and said daddy fuck me harder.

I saw a beautiful homeless girl and asked if I could take her out on a date. She politely accepted and enjoyed herself. Soon after I asked if I could take her home, she smiled and nodded her head. Her smile disappeared when she saw me running away with her cardboard box.

Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks... "Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."

Your mom is so ugly. When she goes to the dentist, they make her face down.

Johnny is very attached to his parents, he asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks "whats that?"The mother replies "that's my garage" he looks up and asks what are those? The mother responds "those are my headlights." He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down "daddy whats that?" The dad replies "that's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tell his mother and she says "you can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed he gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving he looks under the covers to investigate and see's them going at it he then yells "mommy turn on you're headlights daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*

why did helen keller wear skin tight pants?

so you could read her lips

A hot girls wants to do suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly smelly homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says "hey you hot babe, let's fuck. She just answers "get the fuck away you ugly bastard". The guy just laughs and says "alright i wait down there".