I told the emo girl to stop playing fruit ninja on her wrists.
Why did the sexy 12 year old girl with cerebral palsy get raped? Because her parents didn’t have the decency to drown her at birth.
My friend said not to look down on me. I said I can't because I'm shorter than her.
My ex was an orphan as a child.
I should have taken that as the first sign.
If her parents didn’t want her, why would I?
Your mama is so stupid that she put a ruler under her pillow to see how long she slept.
My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You tell it to clap until his/her parents are back.
The parentless child stood as her orphanage was blown up by a kamikaze I had rented.
Her chest was so flat, I felt gay while hugging her.
My uncle died on 9/11. Her last words were "Allahu Akbar."
your sister is so stupid she only thinks a onion will make people cry.
so i throw a coconut at her
Yo mama so fat, her birth certificate was an apology letter.
Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her backyard?
No, and neither did she.
My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.
I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.
Your mum is so fat, when I was driving I had to swerve to avoid [her]. By the time I had finished, I had ran out of gas.
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: You slap her.
Me: "WYD?"
Her: "Just dealing with a lot: depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I'll never be enough."
Me: "Without me? Lol"
I asked my dog this morning how her week's been going--she said "ruff." I feel her, you know? I feel her.
