Healthcare jokes

My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"

The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together, then.

Doctor, doctor! My brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Is he egging around? Yes, but we need to get the eggs.

Woman: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm an elephant! Doctor: Run around the room. Then the woman stomps around the room and breaks things.

Doctor, doctor! I fell like a bell! Shall I ring you, then? When can you ring me up?

Doctor, doctor! I have a ball stuck in my throat! Shall I bat it and get a run, then?

As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!

Abortion is bad.

Robert Smith walks into a hospital. The nurse says, "We have the cure!"

Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.

My grandpa said I'm too reliant on technology... so I screamed that he was a hypocrite and I unplugged his life support.

What's the difference between MetaCareForAll and the resurrection of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?

One of them is an unrealistic fantasy that can never come true because it wouldn't work. The other one is the resurrection our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

How does a lady with stage 3 cancer introduce herself?

"Hey y'all, I'm Diane."

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

Healthcare these days is a bit of an Obamanation.

I'm a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you're an orphan.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said...

“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”

What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?

"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"

Did you know hospitals have an entire wing for free dead babies? It’s called the abortion center.

Welcome to youtube.com.

Where we treat our patients nicely.

Hi.

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you!

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery, except abortion jokes, because then there is no delivery.