Healthcare Jokes

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

How does a lady with stage 3 cancer introduce herself?

"Hey y'all, I'm Diane."

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

Healthcare these days is a bit of an Obamanation.

I'm a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you're an orphan.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said...

“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”

What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?

"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"

Did you know hospitals have an entire wing for free dead babies? It’s called the abortion center.

Welcome to youtube.com.

Where we treat our patients nicely.

Hi.

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you!

Did you hear about the unborn fetus? Oh wait, never mind, it must have been aborted from the sight.

Having an abortion will make you so tired... it literally sucks the life out of you.

Why are hospitals always freezing?

They need to keep the vegetables cold.

What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy.

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

What's the most expensive haircut in the world?

Chemotherapy.

How do you recover from prostate cancer surgery?

It’s all Depends!

Why do they have air conditioning in hospitals?

To keep all the vegetables fresh.

Why is there AC in hospitals?

To keep all the vegetables fresh.