Have jokes
James: I have a joke. Sex!
Ronny: I don't get it.
James: Exactly.
Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"
A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."
What feature does an orphan's phone not have?
A home button.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
What do maths and 9/11 have in common?
They both prove two parallel lines can be intercepted by a plane.
What do emo kids and Hitler have in common?
There's gonna be more brains on the wall when they lose something.
Why does Michael Jackson have such a hard time playing chess?
He can't choose between black or white.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marrahwanah.
Jack got high, slapped her thigh, and then they had some fun.
Jill forgot to take her pills, and now they have a son.
How do you get Wacko Jacko to come inside your shop? Have little boys' pants half off!
Why is there only 363 days in an orphan calendar? Because they don't have Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Why can't orphans be gay?
They have no one to call "daddy".
Why are the Americans good at Rubik's cubes? Because they have a long history of separating colors.
Why do orphans love drinking water? Because they have no milk to drink!
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
Why can't orphans have sex?
They have no one to call "daddy".
Why can't two Chinese people have a white kid?
Two wongs don't make a white.
There were 15 ugly guys on a bus. The bus crashed, and they all went to heaven.
God took pity on them and told the ugly dudes they could have one wish. The first guy said, "I want to be handsome." God granted his wish. The second guy said, "I want to be more handsome than the first guy." God granted his wish. The third guy said, "I want to be more handsome than the second guy." God granted his wish, and this continued on and on until the 15th ugly guy. The ugly guy was laughing, really hard. "What is your wish?" God asked him. "I WANT ALL THESE GUYS UGLY AGAIN!!!!!" God granted his wish.