Have jokes

Someone prank calls a general. The general hangs up and goes, "Kids these days have no respect for their elders. That's why I send them all to die."

My therapist said I have trouble letting go of the past. So I killed him.

What do renovators and lesbians have in common?

They're both not interested in exposed wood, apparently.

People always call me heartless. That’s not true. I have a heart... it just wasn’t meant for you.

Tork Poettschke says to Charles Bukowski: "You have beautiful teeth! Are they also available in white?"

Louis Armstrong and Tork Poettschke go for a walk.

One says to the other, "My wife always says that icke is no worse than the other men."

"How many men does your wife have?"

You'd think with Jason being a pastor's kid, his parents would have gotten him Invisalign.

And an exorcism.

I have a friend who's a suicide bomber. He's a blast at parties.

The USA has school shootings. We Canadians have bus beheadings.

What goes up but never comes down? Your age. You have probably heard this joke before.

Q: What do nuns and bathrooms have in common?

A: They both have glory holes for pleasing.

Do you ever look at someone and think, "You must have been conceived at a family reunion"?

Q. What do Canadian women and Canadian beer have in common? A. They're both stronger than they look.

Your mom is the biggest tosser on the planet, yeah, you heard right.

I don't have to strain myself a blood vessel and be wankin' solo anymore; she saved me a whole load of arthritis.

What kind of experience does a feminazi have for being a feminist?

Being a bitch.

Alright, class, we have 39 students and 40 seats.

That one dyslexic kid thinking he’s Superman:

Why do orphans have a single chip? Because they don't have a full bag.

Why can't orphans be home schooled?

Because they have no parent to home school them.

I asked my friend, "Shouldn't we have 6 senses?"

He replied, "What is the 6th sense?"

"Common sense," I shot back while looking at the kid who was going to detention. "Never mind," I said.

A Roman went to the bar and he held up two fingers and said, "Can I have five drinks, please?"