Have jokes
A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.
The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."
Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.
Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.
After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.
Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"
The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."
Three men walk into a bar... you would have thought the last one would have ducked.
Have you heard about the lemming that jumped off a cliff into an ocean?
I heard it was because of pier pressure.
What's the best part about having emo grass?
It cuts itself!
When you have a bladder infection,
You're in trouble. 😜
me when i realized that buildings don't make earth any heavier cuz all the materials were already used on it.
What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? They both like fairies sitting on them.
Don’t worry if you have a stroke.
You’ll be all right.
There was an illegal alien woman who wanted to be called "undocumented." So, I had "undocumented" sex with her and threatened to have her deported if she reported me for rape. I'd call it even.
What do snow and friends have in common? If you pee on them, they disappear.
Have you heard of the Tic-Tac-Toe Beetle? It has an X-O-skeleton.
What does an Xbox/PlayStation and Michael Jackson have in common?
Kids turn them on.
Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan? Because it doesn't have a home button.
Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"
What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.
Teacher: This assignment is big.
Student (male): I have something that's big.
Teacher: Yeah, your forehead.
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?
They don’t cook because they love eating out.
What’s the best part about having sex with a pregnant woman?
You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.
A man gets an email from his doctor.
"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."
The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"
There was this kid who was going to take a girl to the dance. He had fancy clothes, fancy shoes, etc. Finally, the day of the dance came. He happily drove over to the girl's house. When he got there, he said to her father, "thank you for this moment, have a great night".
At the dance, the girl asks the boy, "can I have some food?" He gladly replies "yes" and walks over to the food trucks, only to see a huge line. So he waits in line for like 30 minutes. He comes back to the girl, and she says, "thank you so much, I really needed something to eat". Then she asks for some sweets and a soda. Again the boy waits in line for about 30-45 minutes. Then he comes back, and she says, "thank you SOOOO much". Then she says she has one more request. The boy, (now clearly agitated) says, "what is it?" She says, can I have some punch? SO the boy walks over to the punch table, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.