Hand jokes
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
We clap when we see you. We clap our hands over our eyes.
I asked my kid to give me a hand. That motherfucker cried while charging his mechanical arm.
I saw your mom at work the other night. She was talking about how good she was doing.
Hands down, best $20 blowjob ever.
A hand job from a deaf person counts as oral.
If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?
A really fucking huge cricket.
Why did the baker's hands smell of shit?
He kneaded a turd.
What does a bear beat off with?
His bear hands.
A police officer pulls a man over. "Hands in the air!"
The man said, "Okay."
I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.
So, me and my girlfriend that I just got 7 weeks ago, we’re in class. We had this sub named Mrs. Bellatrix.
We both raised our hands and she called on both of us.
Me: First of all, are we in kindergarten? We can’t be doing 4x4 kinda stuff.
Leah: And also, are you from Harry Potter?
I was in class doing sex education. We were learning about sexual stereotypes.
My teacher turns to the class and asks, "If anyone could tell him what a sexual stereotype was?"
So I raised my hand and said, "Asians have small penis." He looked at me and said, "Very good, but I was looking for a definition."
A man walks into a bar. He sees a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer. He gets on his hands and knees and prays to God out loud. The bartender says, "Why are you praying?" He says, "Because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand."
When a deaf girl master baits, does she use the other hand to moan?
What was the winning play at the leper football game?
A hand off up the middle.
How to kick a deaf person off the plane:
Step 1: Pretend to yell and get some friends to do it, too.
Step 2: Tell your friends to raise both of their hands.
Step 3: He's out of the plane on a parachute.
What do kids call a balanced meal?
A hamburger in each hand! XD XD XD XD
I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"
Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap.
Son: Mom, I'm blind.
Mom: Exactly!
My sister is the weird dark one and emo of the family. I'm the bright happy one. Once in 3rd grade, I got a huge A on mine, and my sis got a D-.
In the playground near a tree, we were sitting and playing. I said, "Hey, a C- is not that bad," and raised my hand up to give her a high five, but she left me hanging.