A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
HA Jokes
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian.
Harry Potter has an invisibility cloak, I have family.
A man has been dating a girl forever. He finally says, "I love you." The girl says, "Aww, thanks." The man looks at her, "Are you not gonna say it back?" The girl says, "No, I can’t."
Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”
Roses are red, life has no meaning, voices in my head, are constantly screaming.
When the Among Us has drip ඞ!
Your forehead's so big that it has its own gravitational pull.
In America, 1 in 10 houses has a paedophile.
Not me, I live next to a smoking hot 8-year-old.
When your girlfriend has an abortion, it's kinda like dodging your own bullets.
What's the difference between Batman and a gay person?
Batman has no one to call "daddy."
I was about to go to sleep, but then I remembered my idol has 0 G/A, and it's mid-November. Thanks, Pessi, for ruining my sleep! 🤬
Why can't an orphan have an iPhone?
It has a home button.
Mom: You will make me kill myself.
Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!
Why can't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he has "no body" to go with!
What's worse than depression & suicide?
Easy: LIVING. Everyday you wish you were dead but then reality hits you in the face that you're still alive and have to suffer living.
Pretend or not pretend, we have to decide everyday even if we don't pretend no one will notice :) no one ever does :). Living is the problem to everything. We get depression cuz of it and so much. Why can't we just die :)?
Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson has made a laudable, command decision to omit real firearms from his movie sets.
This being the case, he ought to produce, direct, and star in his next movie titled: “The Rubber Gun Squad!” 👌 😉
If Sakura's head looks like earth, then her hairline has to look like the Milky Way.
*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
It's so sad that Stephen Hawking has a whole category on here about him and he can't stand up for himself.
