Grandpa Jokes

Little Johnny was staying at his grandparents' house, and he asked his grandpa, "Can I have a cigarette?" His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "No." "Then that's your answer." A little bit later, Little Johnny asked for a beer. His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "I already said no." "Well, that's your answer." Later, he was complaining to his grandma, and she gave him cookies. His grandpa came up to him and said, "Can I have a cookie?" Little Johnny said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" His grandpa said, "Well, yes, it can." And Little Johnny said, "Well, go fuck yourself, old man, because these are my cookies."

I'm so proud of my Grandpa. He killed Hitler himself.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words after robbing a bank: "Oh, shit! The pigs are catching up!" But the cops did not kill him; he drove full speed off a cliff.

My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.

My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?

I was at my grandpa's this weekend and I sent my online girlfriend nudes, and when I sent them, my grandpa's phone went off, so he went on his phone, then my girlfriend replied.

Do you know the TV show "Naked and Afraid?" Well, that's what my grandpa and I played when I was young.

My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.

Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."

My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.

I still remember my grandpa's last words: "Turn the lawn mower off!"

My grandpa was amazing. He killed Hitler.

My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.

My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were. I responded, "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

I still remember my grandpa's last words.

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"

My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔

Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.

Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.

Me: Cool, what rank of officer?

Jim: SS.

Me:...

My grandpa has the heart of a lion,

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"