Grandpa

Grandpa Jokes

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was staying at his grandparents' house, and he asked his grandpa, "Can I have a cigarette?" His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "No." "Then that's your answer." A little bit later, Little Johnny asked for a beer. His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "I already said no." "Well, that's your answer." Later, he was complaining to his grandma, and she gave him cookies. His grandpa came up to him and said, "Can I have a cookie?" Little Johnny said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" His grandpa said, "Well, yes, it can." And Little Johnny said, "Well, go fuck yourself, old man, because these are my cookies."

Word

I will always remember my grandpa's last words after robbing a bank: "Oh, shit! The pigs are catching up!" But the cops did not kill him; he drove full speed off a cliff.

Soldier

My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.

Dad

My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?

Weekend

I was at my grandpa's this weekend and I sent my online girlfriend nudes, and when I sent them, my grandpa's phone went off, so he went on his phone, then my girlfriend replied.

Pedo

My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.

Rule

Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."

Dad

My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.

Grandma

My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were. I responded, "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."

Death

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

Word

I still remember my grandpa's last words.

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"

Toe

My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔

Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.

Army

Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.

Me: Cool, what rank of officer?

Jim: SS.

Me:...

Heart

My grandpa has the heart of a lion,

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Word

My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"