There's three kids: Little Drop, Little Feather, and Little Brick. Little Feather goes, "Mommy, why do you call me L'feather?" She answers, "Cuz a little feather fell over your head when you were born." L'Drop asks his mom, "Mommy, why do you call me L'drop?" She answers, "Cuz a little drop fell on your head when you were born." L'brick goes, "aafddkcasgbklcdahjkcbgtnhrfn."
Goes Jokes
What's the difference between a prostitute and a trash bag?
There's a limit to how much trash goes in the trash bag.
So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."
A guy goes to the store to buy thyme.
When he got back to put the thyme away he realized he still had thyme left. This was all for nothing, it was just a big waste of your thyme.
Goes to school with blue suppressed pistol. #1 Victory Royale!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The butt.
The butt who?
The butt goes mooooo!
A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.
The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."
A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.
After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.
After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
What's green then red all over and goes 100mph?
A frog in a blender.
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A man decides one day that it is time to buy a pet. He goes to the pet store, looks around and sees a beautiful parrot, sitting quietly on a stick in his cage. Yet the beast has no feet or paws. "What is the matter with you?" the man thinks aloud.
"Well, that's how I was born, I'm actually a faulty parrot," says the bird.
"Haha," the man laughs, "it seems like that parrot understands what I'm saying and even answers!"
"I understand everything you say, I am extremely intelligent and very well educated," says the bird.
"Well, if you're so smart then tell me how you can stay on your stick without legs."
"Well," says the parrot, "it's a bit embarrassing, but okay, I wrap my little parrot penis around the stick, like a hook, but I hide that with my thick feathers."
"Wow, you really understand everything I say, don't you?"
"Yes, yes," replies the bird, "and I speak Spanish and English fluently, I can speak on a level about almost everything, politics, religion, sport, and philosophy, and I specialize in bird science, you should buy me, I am also a very good friend for you."
The man looks at the price tag, 200 euros is on it. "Sorry, I cannot afford that."
"Psst," whispers the parrot as he beckons the man with his wing closer. "Nobody wants me because I do not have legs, just bid 25 euros and you can take me with you."
The man offers 25 euros and walks 5 minutes later with the parrot out of the store. A few weeks pass. The parrot is sensational. He is fun and interesting, gives good advice, is sympathetic to everyone, in short; the perfect roommate and friend. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot says "Pssssssssssst" while he beckons his wing again. The man comes close to the cage. "I do not know if I should tell you this," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What!?" says the man.
"Well, the postman came to the door and your wife greeted him in a nothing disguised nightgown and kissed him flat on the mouth."
"And then," the man hisses, "What happened then?"
"Well, the postman came in, grabbed her nightgown and started caressing her everywhere."
"My God," says the now furious man, "And what else did they do?"
"Then he took off her nightgown, went through his knees and started to lick her everywhere, starting at her breasts and getting further and further down."
"And then, what happened, what else did they do?" the man screams.
"No idea," says the papgaai, "I got a boner and thundered off my stick..."
Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."
He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*
A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.
What's black and red and goes 90 miles an hour? A baby in a blender!
There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."
Son: “Mom, is there a thing called «friendship» between a man and a woman?”
Mother: “No Son, unless if he’s gay.”
Son: “So your friend is gay?”
Mother with herself: «How did he see me with michael omg if my husband discovered my cheating he will kill me»
Mother: “Mmm.. Yes.”
Father loudly: “YES!!!”
Mother: “What in the hell? Are you gay?”
Father with himself: «Am i an idiot why did i yell?! if she discovered I’m gay and her son was made by Paul’s semens she will kill me»
Father: “No what are saying? I’m just talking with myself.”
*A few hours later*
Mother: “I will go to visit my mother.”
Father: “Me too I will go to visit my mother.”
Son: “Not me too I will go to stud with my friends.”
The mother and the father goes to michael’s house and they found their son playing with Michael and Paul is recording them and saying: «that’s why I love you my actual son oh only if your mother knows».
*The End* :D
There are three people on an island. One dies, and the second guy goes to bury them. He comes back with deer meat. The first guy eats it, but the second guy refuses the meal.
When the men return to the mainland, they part ways. The first man goes to eat the deer again at a local restaurant. He takes one bite, then jumps off a bridge.
In heaven, an angel asks him why.
“Well you see,” he answered, “that man was a tribal cannibal. Delicious in my wife’s meat, though.”
Son: Yo dawg, tell me a story.
Dad: Y'all motherfuckers ain't gon' believe dis shit, so there was dis fairy aight, she had wings, so she flys into a KFC, and comes out with wings, chicken wings.
Also, why did Hawking try to walk across the road? His wheelchair only goes 1 mph, so he got hit by a bus.
