Give jokes

Life is like giving head... it always sucks.

Did you hear that Alicia wrecked her Lexus?

It's really a shame. She had to give her dad 3 months worth of blowjobs before he'd pay for it.

Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next-door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off.” In the end, I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.

Yo mama is so fat, they had to flood the Super Bowl to give her a bath.

God: You're gonna have 2 parents.

Orphan: Double it and give it to the next person.

What did the plane say to the tower?

"Give me a kiss."

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

A kid asks his dad why his name is Experience. The dad says, "That's what we give our mistakes."

What did they give Elmo before he left the factory? Two test-tickles.

What is it called if you give 100 disabled people guns?

Special Forces.

You look nice, and you seem like good fun, so if I give you this flower, will you finger my bum?

Why am I still alive?

Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...

Comment and join Dumbledore's army in the community to give someone you hate permanent bad luck.

Royal aka ZEPHYR gets cucked daily by Tyrone.

ZEPHYR watches Tyrone give his wife the genes he could never give her. What a loser.

Did you know "bj" ends with "job" because if you are giving a man a blow job, it sucks? But if you’re giving it to a woman, it's called "eating out" because it’s a privilege.

Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?

Everybody loves guns!

Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"

Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"

Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."

Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".

He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"

Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"

If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.