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One day, little Johnny was playing with his toys and looked out the window. He saw the neighbor's kid laying face-first in the grass, not breathing.

Little Johnny continued to shoot his nerf gun at the neighbor's big booty cheeks. No movement at all. After little Johnny went to get a snack, he looked out the window again and the kid was gone.

Little Johnny went to the neighbors and said, "I'm sorry to hear that your child has gone missing."

How many times do you tickle an octopus to get it to laugh?

Ten-tickles!

Dark humor is like cancer, it's funnier when children get it.

Why do orphans like apples? Because they get picked.

Why do orphans always get picked on?

They can't run and tell their parents.

What does a tuna, piano, and a tub of glue have in common?

You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

But what about the glue? said Bob I. I knew you would get stuck on that!

I have a lot of eggcellent egg puns, get the yolk... Oh come on, don't be hard-boiled!

Where do Sith get their clothes?

At the Darth Maul!

What's the difference between a homeless person and a car?

Only one gets fuel.

John Cabot was the first to explore the Coast of Labrador. After he left, he realized that he had forgotten something and had to go back to get whatever it was. This made him the first Labrador Retriever.

What do you get when you cross a stick and a dog? A run away joke...

Why do New Yorkers get what Spider-Man is saying?

Because he always makes spider-sense.

A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden Bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn, comes in to take a piss. The man can't help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised at how well endowed he is, and he asks: "Bubba, what's your secret?"

Bubba replies: "Well, every night before I get in bed with a woman I whack my dick on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The man was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night, before he went to bed with his wife. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says "Bubba, is that you?"

What did Santa Claus get Paris Hilton for Christmas?

He raped her.

Two pedos are on the beach.

One pedo said, "Hey, get out of my son!"

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."

The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."

The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

What do you do if you see an Indian woman getting raped? Nothing, since raping is a normal everyday part of Indian culture.

My brother's addicted to buying ladders; he loves to get high.

Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks.

You get to scan their wrists for discounts!

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

Get in the car.