Get jokes

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Get in the van, or I'll kill you.

How do you get two deaf people from fighting?

Turn off the lights and walk out.

What do you get when you cross a pedophile and an elementary school? Predator 3.

If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?

What time is it when you get a chance to take a car and drive all over?

Time to get in trouble!

What do crows use when they get a phone?

A "CAWing" card!

Want my cookie? Come and get it... 😭

Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?

To get to the opera.

What does an armed bank robbery and Michael Jackson have in common?

Someone gets hurt.

Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂

Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.

Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"

She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.

The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.

One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”

My favorite sex position is the “JFK,” I splatter all over her as she screams to get out of the car 😂

What do orphans and olden day actors have in common?

Both get food thrown at them some of the time.

"Peado van, peado van, stay away, peado van, peado van, take her away."

I can't afford food, I can't afford childcare, might as well just get the money out of her.

I will never forget my mother and father's last words.

"Where the Sam hell did you get a grenade?"

My brother's addicted to buying ladders; he loves to get high.

A woman walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs.

The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea with that." The woman replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."

What happens when premenstrual Raggedy Ann gets with the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.